It's true.


Unfortunately a whole string of bad grades (lots of character building) are going to ruin my GPA...


But after a lot of thinking and crying and planning and frustration... I think it will be okay. Eventually. Even though it'll be embarrassing. Sigh.





On a happier note,

I am home for thanksgiving and even though I have a lot of work to do I am happy to be back and see friends and family and relax a little.

I think the continuous bottling of everything, anything, is the reason why everything bubbles up, uncontainable, inexpressible, triggered by a thought, picture, tune, and then settles back down into the ... the muddied pool of everything. And it's like it didn't happen.

Everyone says they are ready for winter, and I guess I am too. But I want summer back because ... well it was a lot of fun and things were still... well... Alyssa was still here. I need to keep looking forward and stop looking back. You don't get anywhere if you're only looking backwards. I thought I fixed that.

"No excuse to be so callous..."

Dear Alyssa,

I miss you, I miss you, I miss you lovemuffin. All I can think about are the limited classes we had together. Our homeroom adventures. The time you yelled that we were in the same homeroom. Mutts during english class. The metal thing on your binder which I have in fact snapped myself with (though not to that extent) on my folder like that this semester and it made me happy and sad at the same time. It reminds me of our snack-winning table and our super ping-pong skills. And our less-than-stellar tennis skills. And our night walks and night talks and phone conversations and augusta explorations. Your birthday parties from long ago and the cupcakes and dexter and harry potter and georgia nicolson. And how you were always online. And always texting. And gave great hugs. And hit me in the hallway because I was never observant enough to see you. Oh, I miss you so much.

And all these songs that you sent me or that we listened to together are intensifying it to such a degree that it makes me not want to do anything all day today. And they all have lyrics that go exactly with how I feel. Well, most of them haha. I love you and miss you and want to wish you a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY. I wish you could be here to celebrate, but you're here in spirit. And I'll be saving the biggest hug for the day I see you again.

Bye bye french fry!

Love,
Becca

Um... new song : Plane Crash
It's with EJ Barnes. But sooooo good. And it sounds a lot different in person and I think I like it more live but I think that I love it recorded and I think that I need to move to NZ.
In other news I am maybe going to the netherlands and germany in June 2011? Courtesy of my uncle. I want to go to the Utrecht University library so badly. Also the architecture museum my uncle had mentioned last time. 

The black x's on my hands have yet to disappear completely.

Guess who's underage?

Growing Old is Getting Old has been stuck in my head all day. I've also been listening to it for the duration of the evening. It's pulsing through my mind and making me sleepy and wistful. I continuously find myself singing along and moving to it, as uncalled for as it may be. Especially in studio or outside while people are flocking around campus. 

Mmm, but it's so nice. 

I'm supposed to be writing a paper but I don't want to. It's due tomorrow though so it'll have to get done soon. It's mostly just some fixing up. I have to finish my laundry (waiting for the drier takes forever) and head over to the studio to work on my project as well as test some network connections for my professors.

I just need to make it to the weekend. Then it's AFI and Andrew Bird to the rescue. 

Columbus day weekend was a lot of fun. We left early and had bus adventures. I spent the weekend picking apples with Mia, eating pumpkin soft serve and peanut butter soft serve before it was too late, visiting my cousin and aunt and uncle, eating breakfast with Cait and Kierst, getting pumpkins with Amanda, and carving a baby pumpkin. Then we drove back to school, and it was okay. 

We had a field trip today and it was a bit boring but almost interesting. And then Nate and I went to see the Silversun Pickups. They were really good live and I'm glad that I did that instead of homework. Even though tomorrow is going to be killer.

I just bought a ticket for Andrew Bird and St. Vincent. That'll be the 27th. I just found out the AFI concert is the day before a review so I don't know if I can do it unless I work really hard to somehow finish early. But I don't know how to do that. We'll see how it goes... I'll have to work ridiculously hard this week. I'm scared.

And then Amanda said that she and Zach are gonna come visit for halloween! :D I am so excited to go trick or treating even though we're old. Well, Amanda and I probably... I doubt Nate or Zach would want to. 

But all in all I'd say this has been a very successful month.

I just wish I had more free time. Or twin time. Either way...

 I guess there were two chapters left of the book. I could only read one. It was a funny chapter... but after I finished, I closed the book and started crying. Ugh, I don't know when I'll ever be able to finish it. I really want to and yet I really don't. Why did it have to be the last one? And why couldn't it have come out a little bit sooner? One of my friends from class asked me "how my friend was doing". I don't know if I even answered her properly, or if she knew what happened. I don't know how to talk about it and I don't want to... it never sounds right anyway... But how long does this last? I don't remember... it will always be hard to think about. So many jokes have been made these past few days, that are essentially hers. I miss her. 

Otherwise today has been really lazy but nice. I cleaned my room and made my bed, I did my lit/phil, drank tea and sat in the sun. I took a little nap and I did some reading. I need a good book.
I love hot drinks. They make me warm and melty inside. I also love sunbeams. They make me warm too.
I wish today could last a bit longer. In a little bit I have to go work on a project with a friend for who knows how long. And I still have to write a paper and do a lot of work for studio. Sigh. I wish it was a three day weekend. Or that I had done anything productive last night. 

Liam Finn is playing. "Don't forget me when you grow old..." 

:'(

So Tuesday is the first day of autumn. I was looking at some old pictures from last autumn, towards the end of first semester. It makes me want October to come quickly, so that I can go home and smell the leaves, the orange, red, and yellow leaves that I miss so much. The other day felt like fall. But the trees keep swearing that it's not autumn yet. And then there are those trees that let go, that admit the truth, their leaves are falling. The leaves here, they are falling, they brown a little and fall. Everything is still green. This isn't autumn...

I miss things, things like smelling apple pie, holding a cup of hot apple cider, picking pumpkins and running through apple orchards. I miss the sound of wind in the leaves, and the crunching of leaves underfoot on walks. I miss walking home from school and looking at all the trees on our street. I miss Maine. I miss dressing up for halloween even though we were seventeen. I miss knocking on the doors of the neighbors who knew exactly how old I was. I miss handing out candy to small children dressed up as pumpkins and witches and ghosts. I want to be home for halloween. I wish teleportation was real.

I miss the commonground fair more than words can say. Minus a few things I wish we could go back to then, scramble around in the grass and make humorous observations as we sip hot apple cider and snuggle down into our hoodies. It feels like so long ago now... like a dream, or fuzzy memory. But it feels like fall and I miss it terribly. I wish I could come back home for the commonground fair as well. It's soon, next weekend. I wish there was a(n inexpensive) way I could get back... 

I should be working on a project, but it is uninteresting and tedious. 

Today Nate and I went on a walk down a pretty path. I wore sunglasses today for the first time in over ten years. They are cute and pink/orange and they make me look about twelve. I love them though. I hope I don't break them. 

Today was nice. 

 We live and learn, we live and learn, I told you that because you said you wanted to go back to that time, that time before, before we were friends. Thanks for talking to me for a solid hour while we both procrastinated.

I have been opening this page daily and never thinking to write an entry because I don't know what to write. I don't know what to say to change anything. And hoping to read something inspiring I open this page every day. But no one has written anything until now. And now there is nothing left to say. 

Everything surrounding you feels so fake, so far away, so intangible. But if I happen to come across a portal... a picture, your number in my phone, a text you sent me, a song you used to sing to me... suddenly it's real. Suddenly I am looking at this and I don't know what to do. So I try to push it away and I try to keep going with all of these things that don't even seem that important. And yet they are the only things that are important. Important to focus on so I don't fall apart. Because every now and then I think too much and there's nothing left to hold on to. It was so unexpected, why did they give so much hope? Could I have dealt with it better if it had happened while I was home? Probably not. And there are so many things that remind me of you. You were so lovely, so genuine, so full of life. You forced your friendship on me upon meeting me and I told you several times later in life that I was grateful for that. You wanted to trade shoes, I know you'd remember. You probably had the best memory out of anyone I knew. We complained about how boobs get in the way of everything. We went on night walks in the winter. We talked on the phone for decades. You were a better friend than I ever was. Whenever I feel lonely now, I always want to call you. Because you were always there for me. I love you, I'll love you forever. My little french fry. I miss you terribly. Come visit me in my dreams?

This whole experience brought everyone together. Will it stay that way please? It shouldn't have taken something like this to get everyone to talk to everyone they hadn't talked to in so long. But maybe it just shows our love for you.

Things are okay right now. But saturday is going to be ... well it is just going to be difficult to keep any composure around or after 10:00.

I love you so much.

 

 You can make it, can't you? 


Seeing if I can get home tomorrow... 

Go on, if this will make you happier.








Um... I need another week please. 

 I'm trying to figure out how to see everyone, buy the rest of my things, pack, and clean my room before a week is up. It's not exactly going super-awesome. 



So I've been watching this instead;
www.homestarrunner.com/dween_puppet2.html
http://www.homestarrunner.com/puppetween.html

We went night swimming. I rescued a giant beetle. I should go to sleep. 

I practiced piano for a tiny bit  yesterday and guitar for a tiny bit today. I wish I had more ambition. I went on a tiny walk today and it was misting. I sang to those facing the sky while I clutched a purple clover that I left for you. I sang as I walked back but stopped short when a girl walking her dog passed by. There were also two people at the bottom of the hill. It was busy there today. 

I can't wait for your letter. I wish you could visit for real. 

I do and don't want to go back to school. I wonder if I'll be able to see you before school starts. I wonder how good of friends you think we are. 


Tomorrow is Saturday. I hope the sun makes an appearance. 


P.S.
Who invented whoopie pies? And whyyyyyy are they so delicious? Ughhh.

 My head hurts. 

Today was fun. I hung out with Caitlin all day and it was really nice. We had gelato, shish-kebobs, a movie, and went swimming. We bought tickets for a show and a couple grab bags of music. 
Tomorrow I'm going to the beach with Nate, Mia, and Eric. I have never been to Old Orchard before. I hope it's not too crowded. Though since it's summer... I doubt it will matter that it's a monday. 

I miss you already, I wish you didn't have to go back to school just yet. 

I am listening to a song I just discovered (thanks Chels) with some first-class whistling. It's absolutely gorgeous. 

I think I am going to crash. I miss the fireflies. I miss today already. I miss our emails and I miss Japan. Dreams will have to suffice for now...

This song reminds me of ... nine years ago? That house with the blue moon and golden stars, the undersea lamp, your down comforter and pink sheets, the window stickers you had plastered all over the one window in your room, your black and white cat, that keyboard, that poster, your computer where I first used AIM, that table in the small room where we had rainbow bread... and your other house where your brother made that lamp, where we hung out, where we slid down the stair guard, where we played with cabbage patch kids and slept in that room. And the house I still live next to, the grand piano and doilies, the big table and living room where we watched movies and ate easy mac, sitting in your hammock or swing and the tree he cut down, your room that was always the same, but your brother's who was always changing, listening to blink 182 in your attic, playing games on the computer in the room with the sink upstairs, that staircase, those stained glass windows... chalk, nailpolish, playing store, playing freeze tag on our lawn, the walking group... haha, where did those days go? They seem completely unreal. Like some hazy dream or some kind of made-up life. The days before cell phones and laptops. The days when autumn meant pumpkins and halloween and leaves, and winter meant snowmen and christmas and hot cocoa and peppermint, when summer meant water balloon fights and neighborhood games, when spring was the least favorite season. 

Do you know where those days went? I saw one of the second grade teachers from elementary school today. She looked older and, oh to go back in time. I know I romanticize my past, but all I can remember is sun streaming through the classroom windows and scrambling to get into our seats when class started, asking permission to go to the bathroom (I still do though...) and being read books. Art class. That room was so bright. Oh and computer. I still feel nostalgic when I think about autumn. 

 This is how things have been going for a little while;

unexplainable anxiety --- boredom---- nausea--- sleepy---- boredom---- nausea--- unexplainable giddiness--- tired. It's weird and I want it to stop! Also I want to go the beach. And see Harry Potter. And have the work day go by super-quick. 

Mm, Sufjan makes such pretty pretty music. Kaskaskia River. <3 

 Thinking back on it, maybe it was for the best. Learning the hard way that caffeine still gives me anxiety. Regardless, I have awesome friends, and I am glad for them. :] 
Yesterday was really nice. It felt like real summer, even though it wasn't very hot. Summer activities! I am kind of looking forward to school and kind of not, since I haven't really had enough (if any) summer yet. The beginning of summer was so much more ambitious for me. I lost steam, but I think if we keep having nice weather I can figure stuff out more and be a better friend. And accomplish all my summer goals. Well, most anyway. 
Mm, the sun keeps peeking out and turning my shaded window an incredible hue of morning yellow. It feels so much like the weekend, but it feels like when I was little. Perhaps it's because of my bedsheets? 

I need to clean my room. 
I want to have iced tea conversations.
I want to visit you and you and you.

I love you.

 Nate just pulled in to the driveway.

Happy Summer!

I think I have logged in a million times since my last post, always meaning to post something but then deciding not to at the last minute.

 

 

I wrote a letter to you today. It took such a long time because I write slow.
I texted you today and it sounded like you were having a good day.
I quick-messaged you for a second today, and missed our early summer nights.
I wish it felt more like summer.
I talked to you for a little bit online, but I miss you.
Today there was a chill in the air when I stepped out of the lab.
I had coffee today but it was too sweet.
I saw Francis today, but I think it's the last time I'll see him.
The party the other night was okay, but it was nice seeing everyone.
The fireworks on the fourth were nice even in the rain.
I haven't visited the arsenal for such a long time now.
I miss running with everyone.
I feel very lazy.
Today I repotted some aloe plants.
I miss being with friends everyday.
I wish I spent more time outdoors than I do.
My hands were black with soil and it got under my nails and I thought of you and wished your dreams would be realized.
My room is still a mess.
Zeke has been left untouched for a while.
The piano too.
I have a list of things I want to do.
I have a dentist appointment on friday.
I don't love dentist appointments.
I wish our car had EZ Pass.
I'm very tired.
I love the cats. 
I love my family.
I love Nate.
I love my friends.

 Legos. Pad thai. Time wasting. Naps. Walks. Fireflies. Summertime. 


I love you.