This is how things have been going for a little while;

unexplainable anxiety --- boredom---- nausea--- sleepy---- boredom---- nausea--- unexplainable giddiness--- tired. It's weird and I want it to stop! Also I want to go the beach. And see Harry Potter. And have the work day go by super-quick. 

Mm, Sufjan makes such pretty pretty music. Kaskaskia River. <3 

 Thinking back on it, maybe it was for the best. Learning the hard way that caffeine still gives me anxiety. Regardless, I have awesome friends, and I am glad for them. :] 
Yesterday was really nice. It felt like real summer, even though it wasn't very hot. Summer activities! I am kind of looking forward to school and kind of not, since I haven't really had enough (if any) summer yet. The beginning of summer was so much more ambitious for me. I lost steam, but I think if we keep having nice weather I can figure stuff out more and be a better friend. And accomplish all my summer goals. Well, most anyway. 
Mm, the sun keeps peeking out and turning my shaded window an incredible hue of morning yellow. It feels so much like the weekend, but it feels like when I was little. Perhaps it's because of my bedsheets? 

I need to clean my room. 
I want to have iced tea conversations.
I want to visit you and you and you.

I love you.

 Nate just pulled in to the driveway.

Happy Summer!

I think I have logged in a million times since my last post, always meaning to post something but then deciding not to at the last minute.

 

 

I wrote a letter to you today. It took such a long time because I write slow.
I texted you today and it sounded like you were having a good day.
I quick-messaged you for a second today, and missed our early summer nights.
I wish it felt more like summer.
I talked to you for a little bit online, but I miss you.
Today there was a chill in the air when I stepped out of the lab.
I had coffee today but it was too sweet.
I saw Francis today, but I think it's the last time I'll see him.
The party the other night was okay, but it was nice seeing everyone.
The fireworks on the fourth were nice even in the rain.
I haven't visited the arsenal for such a long time now.
I miss running with everyone.
I feel very lazy.
Today I repotted some aloe plants.
I miss being with friends everyday.
I wish I spent more time outdoors than I do.
My hands were black with soil and it got under my nails and I thought of you and wished your dreams would be realized.
My room is still a mess.
Zeke has been left untouched for a while.
The piano too.
I have a list of things I want to do.
I have a dentist appointment on friday.
I don't love dentist appointments.
I wish our car had EZ Pass.
I'm very tired.
I love the cats. 
I love my family.
I love Nate.
I love my friends.

 Legos. Pad thai. Time wasting. Naps. Walks. Fireflies. Summertime. 


I love you.

 The sun is out! The sun is out! The sun is out!
I am peeing out all of my insides it seems. 
The sun is out!
I think I forgot who I was for a second.
The sun is out!
I thought I was you.
The sun is out!
I want to go outside but I haven't finished cleaning my room.
The sun just got covered by a cloud.
I can see the sky!
We are two years old today!
I had the worst dream in my life and in it I couldn't stop crying.
I miss you, I miss you, I miss you.
We saw so many fireflies last night!
You have never seen a firefly.
My room smells like lilacs!
I think you were drunk.
Today we are two!!

I will fall back into the water and swim in the depths of Your grace if I can, if I can make it, if I can make this work. I want to go back to that old swingset and volunteer my time and see those fireflies. But if I did end up doing that I know that the unending spring of sorrow will be unleashed, at least for a little while, because I miss them so much, and I miss everything, and I missed everything, and I will try harder this time.

 Seven minutes.

I am full of disgusting blueberry-pomegranate-iced-tea. I am a little pink from sunburn and I am wishing so desperately for the weather forecast to be wrong. I have been talking to everyone but you, and I miss you. You did call today though so I was happy and tomorrow we might see each other. I need to call Caitlin to remind her that I am camping. I wonder how much sleep I'll get tonight. I doubt much because usually I sacrifice sleep for boredom and relaxation. I should practice guitar. 
I love that you talk to me now because you're cool and I wish that things were a little different so we could hang out whenever we wanted but I guess that's not going to happen anytime soon. 

What a crying shame, a crying shame, what we became.



P.S.
I love you

Mmm, my face smells like 4 years ago. (Does facewash expire? It still smells so good.) 4 years ago was very different. I was probably more annoying. I fell in love with you a month from now. I weighed a good 15+ pounds less than I do now. I thought I was fat then. Haha, how silly of me. I killed my metabolism the year after. Why did I do that? I guess that is one of the things I would say I honestly regret. Otherwise I can't really think of anything. Everything else helped make me, me. I still remember walking down that hallway feeling nothing. I remember listening to music constantly. I remember that open window and the smell of sawdust as I worked on a project that probably looked horrendous. We would be practicing marching now. I miss those days quite a bit.

I saw a picture of the place in Japan where my sister and I stayed. The main lobby. It made me want to be there to such a degree that I considered putting all of my summer money towards it. I wish it was less expensive. It's so awesome there. Everything is cute. How can everything be cute? But somehow it is. I miss the convenient stores. I wish I could speak Japanese. I wonder... I wish that Rosetta wasn't so expensive. I wish I was part Japanese, or at least more asian-looking (I am part Japanese hahaa. My great-grandmother.) because then I wouldn't feel so dumb buying all sorts of things. Haha.

"No my mom is Malaysian."
"Really?" *peering*
"It doesn't show!!"
"No"

Can we really go to Dublin? I want to! I want to backpack across Europe with you and we can gain and lose weight with all the walking/eating. Mmmm. I do miss european breakfasts. Hm, I wonder... how much tickets to the netherlands would cost. Because I bet if we asked, my aunt would let us stay. And... ohhh, Holland is adorable. And my uncle's father reminds me of Bilbo. And... eeeee. If you want I will ask my mummita what she thinks.

Anyway, time for work. Bleh.

 Mm, tazo awake + pink pink lemonade. This is a good step for us. Towards beverages and away from food. :] Haha, see? We never get sick! I'm glad we watched LOTR even if we didn't pay attention the whole time. Wheee funtimes. We'll have to find time to do things when the sun is out. 

Tomorrow is sunday. I can't believe the weekend has already progressed so far. The weekdays are so long and boring. I wish we could just have weekends everyday. Or that today lasted longer. 

Mm, pretty pretty clouds.
P.S. I love my cell phone solely because it takes such decent landscape pictures.

 Since there's no one home I am using this opportunity to listen to Billy as loud as I want. Apart from being afraid of breaking the speakers, it's nice to have his music and voice fill my room. I wish that I could make music. It's kind of funny I guess, I've been reading NANA like it's my job. But that story is so full of unfortunate twists. It's like a soap opera. I wish I could hear the music they made though. Yazawa draws such beautiful people. Haha, oh idealization.

Bliss hm? I should aim for that. Is that like living in the moment? Like that man said? More like a spring than a river? Hahaha, and then Therrien mercilessly questioned him. We all listened dumbfounded. Hahahaha, I do and don't miss high school. 

Emotional rollercoasters suck. Crying sucks. Like I told you, I ended up laughing and crying because someone made me laugh. It was closer to how I was feeling though, so that was a little weird. "Are you sad because I can't afford to buy you good gifts?" You are so silly. I hate how attached I am to material things. But if I can't assign a memory to something solid, something within reach, I feel like I'll forget it. My memory is just not what it used to be. (80 years old?) I can't gauge a year. I can't even tell you what a month feels like. Is the fourth dimension really time? Haha, I don't even want to try to grasp such a concept. I'm not looking for the truth. It's different for everyone. So I don't mind what happens. I just wish PMS didn't come with this. It's the most ridiculous thing I've ever known. 

I wish I knew you for real. You'd be an awesome friend. Haha, your emails are the best ones I ever get. The best ones I've ever gotten. Though I do miss those days in Malaysia... emailing. Freshman year? I wish I had had a laptop then. Or maybe not. 


Oh oh. I miss the sun.

Today was so gloomy. It was very nice though. I got to see people I hadn't seen since winter break. We had lunch and coffee. (We sound like adults!) I realized (too late) that I missed a lot of opportunities earlier in life to hang out with someone. But maybe we can fix it somehow? I feel like I always do this. And then it's too late. Today was just so nice though, it was almost sad.

Tomorrow I have to work again. I am not enthused but at least I know what I'm doing in the morning so I'll have something to occupy my time with. 

Why isn't there ever enough time? I wish I could develop relationships with everyone. Meaningful ones. Ones where I could talk to them anytime. About anything. But there's never enough time. I know I could call anyone if I wanted to... but, at the same time... I can't. Life is too short to explore all it's possibilities. I try as hard as I can but when I'm sitting in that office wasting time all I can think about are all the other things I could be doing. I hate money. It ruins everything...


Now (And Then) - by Billy Corgan. It perfectly matches the weather. But it makes me sad. It's so pretty though. Are all sad things so beautiful? 

More than anything else, I want everyone to be happy. I want to laugh with you and be happy always. I want us all to stay friends forever and not listen to that horribly depressing graduation speech, to break that stereotype and be friends forever. I know we'll grow apart and we'll change. That's part of life. But if we can still stay together and talk about the changes and just... haha, I wish life was as simple as that. But I promise I'll try. Even if texting is the only way we communicate, I will try. 

The iced coffee today was sooooo good, as was the iced tea. So was today in general. Mm, more days like today please! 

I talked to you for a good long time. You told me how you were feeling lately and I told you it was going to make me cry, but what you don't know is that it did. I wanted to tell you that I loved you, but I knew that it would have been misunderstood. But I do love you, the way I love lots of people and feelings. I love you and I wish that I could make you understand. (Please let tomorrow's invention work.) I wished I could magically fix you. You told me I cared too much. You said we could talk tomorrow. We talked about time. There isn't enough time for everything. I want there to be enough time for me to develop relationships with everyone I want to. What defines a relationship? I always felt further away or closer than the other person in all of my relationships. It's funny how things work like that. Getting old isn't something I want to do. There are so many things I want to do, say, remember... it gets to be daunting. I stand up and forget what I was getting up to do because I've already thought about a million other things. Remember when we did that in english class? Something-writing. I forget the term. 

I want to dive deep down into the water and resume our conversation there. 

 I really want it to be summer-summer because all I want to do right now is float on my back in a lake and look back at the sky. It makes a fish-eye view and you can see the edge of the earth it seems, or at least the way it bends. I've seen the edge of the earth before, high in the sky on a quiet plane full of sleeping people. 

So my gpa ended up higher this semester even though most of the semester was filled with me swearing it would be lower. I guess they proved me wrong, but anyway... I kept the all A's (and A-'s) like I wanted so I can't complain. I wonder how hard it will be to pull off the same thing next semester. I'm guessing a little or a lot harder, I hear one of the classes is really difficult. Do I have any classes with you next semester? We were going to have so many but then you changed your schedule and now I don't know... can we hang out soon? I miss you already. 

I've been listening to 3rd planet on repeat for a while now... How long does mail take from the other side of the earth? You were so worried about it being a boring letter, but I really don't care, I love mail. Being up at 2:30 AM has it's plusses I guess, since we got 4 emails in a short period of time... that's got to be a record for us. 

I have to clean my room for real... I just need to motivate myself to get started... 
It's so hard to throw memories away, even if they weren't significant, somehow they were because they made us who we are... 

Your heart felt good, it was dripping pitch and made of wood...
repeat.

I was talking to you about missing moments. As we sat on the floor I could feel me start to miss the moment I was in already. I miss it right now. Luckily, this one has potential to be extended since it isn't quite so far back, unique, or hard to arrange as the others are. It can't fall into the pool of life just yet, unless we let it go, which we might. Modest mouse was filling my head with old memories and old feelings. Most of them were warm feelings, like when you find old dusty photos. It's pretty certain that his voice will forever remind me of you (as well as Jem and Scout - due to songs on repeat while reading) from now on. Also, on another note I am very in love with your room. 
Yesterday, sitting and watching the sun disappear behind the trees, I wanted time to stop so we could just ... stay there forever? I also wanted to jump in the river and sink into its watery depths and resume our conversation there. I don't want to start working yet. I still have a week or so but I am not sure what I want. Is it bad that I don't want responsibilities again just yet? 


It's the clouds that get me.

I walked for a little while today. I left my hair down so that it could do whatever it wanted to. It came down to my elbows and I suddenly realized just how long it was. I thought a stranger was you, but thankfully it wasn't. I don't know when I'll be ready to see you again.
Listening to Australia made me want to dance, skip, or run, but it was quite hot and I was out in public so I refrained. Watching the music video made my heart smile. It is quite honestly one of the loveliest music videos I have seen in quite a while.
On my way to see the Shins I took the train. It went onto an overpass-type-bridge. We were in the treetops and I felt like I was in a cable car over a forest. And we almost were. I don't think I've ever been so close to the tops of trees before. On the way back home the leaves were smaller and the grass wasn't as green. I can't wait for the plants to catch up.
As you were leaving you asked if they were lilacs, proceeded to smell them, and exclaimed "a bee!" as you clapped your hand over your face. I laughed and you told me lilacs were your favorite. I already knew, of course. The stars were winking, reminding us that it was nearly two in the morning with their shifted positions. You blew some kisses as you drove away and it was summer again.

The test wasn't as bad as I thought.
I miss you both already though.
The concert was lovely.
The Shins are amaaaaazing.
I bought two shirts (oops) because I felt like it.
I gave five dollars to a man who asks everyone for money.
I wonder what he'll spend it on.
I ate by myself twice.
I bought earrings for my sister.

Mm, they played The Past and Pending, and it made my life. I love that song soooo much.

I have a massive headache but it's too cold to sleep maybe. I should try. But I have to wake up so early that it's almost not worth it.

I miss you both already. :[

I logged in really quick so as not to forget everything I wanted to say, but I've already half-forgotten, and everything else is unintelligible, only feelings that are escaping through the window in the shapes of sunbeams and dusty windowpanes.
I'm altogether moved and jealous of the ability of others to string together words and pair them with music to match my feelings so perfectly.
Everything I want to say just wells up inside of me and doesn't form anything coherent. I wish I could just give you my feelings to feel, to see what you would say, or feel in return. That girl was right, I have no words to explain the thoughts and feelings I have, they are severely crippled if they even try to escape.
This music, we were small, so small... we didn't understand lyrics, just repeated them...
Nate left with all my things. I only have a suitcase, half filled with clothes, waiting to be stuffed with the little things that are lying around my room. My desk is nearly empty for once... The cork board is almost empty, there are two checks, a ticket, directions, and a small key envelope pinned up. My bed is lacking a comforter, and the sheets are looking especially austere. Nearly all of my shoes have been taken away. I hope it doesn't rain because I sent my rainboots back. All of the drawers have been emptied and the walls are completely bare. If this isn't like living in a cell, I don't know what is.
The sunbeams sitting on the dusty windowpane draw me to the window. The little grove of trees between the two buildings is looking especially green and inviting. How do leaves grow so quickly? I can see the window into the now vacant room that I spent nearly as much time in as my own. The late day sun is so depressing, for it never stays as long as I want it to...
It's strange because I remember looking out and seeing the same things, but it was altogether different. Orientation was different. It wasn't even like this campus at all. It was like we said, freshman year of highschool... when we didn't know where anything was in relation to anything else, we only knew where our classes were. Google earth still shows the newer Cony building. The catwalk is still there. The streetview makes me so sad. The trees are still there, the practice football field, the old parking lot...

"Change is good!" you told me. While there is truth in your words, I feel like the only change I can easily accept is change made by me. But that's not being reasonable.
Last night I remembered that phenomenon of being home, the one I felt in the winter... the feeling of zero change, even though so much had happened. But somehow, the fact that the change occurred here, rather than at home, almost completely negated the fact that anything had happened at all. So while I'm jealous that Nate is probably at home already, a part of me doesn't want to leave quite yet.

Two days, I can do two days right? Tomorrow I will study all day, and then wednesday I will take my final and then run to catch the bus. Then I will enjoy the concert all by myself, and then brave the way back. I'll spend one last night in my home away from home, and then in the morning I'll catch the first bus I can manage back home. My mum is meeting me in Portland to have a birthday lunch... or... dinner? I guess it depends when I get back.

Haha, rambling to try to keep up with the swirl of thoughts in my head, but it's not working quite as well as I had hoped. I'm waiting for my friend to text me and be like; it's time to study. Then I'll spend one more night in the studio, studying non-studio-related things until my brain explodes, and then going to sleep. Feeling bad because I don't enjoy people's company when they talk too much. Do I talk too much? Anyway... this got ridiculously long ridiculously fast.

"I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes, I saw the sign..."

Things wound down way too fast. I was doing good but I've been getting bored. Later I think I might go to the water for a little while to study. I guess it depends on the weather. I think I'm gonna eat dinner with Esteban and possibly Jess. I should sleep... 5 1/2 hours doesn't sound like much fun, but I need to get up on time.
Nate is going home today. In about 12 or so hours. I will be stuck here, waiting for two more days to take my final. The good thing is that most of my friends are here until at least wednesday, and then they'll leave while I am on my way to see the Shins. The bad thing is that I don't really want to go back at night if I'll be missing part of the show.
I wonder when Sean is leaving? I think he said Tuesday, but I can't remember.
When Nate's dad takes all my things home, my room will be very empty. Right now it's a mess because everything is piled up and waiting to go. My walls are pretty bare without Interpol and the Bravery gracing them. I should go to sleep. I've messed up my sleeping schedule so much already and it's not even the end of school yet. I finished my study sheet tonight, but I have to write about all of them soon. There isn't enough time to memorize all of this information. I should have started sooner... today though, other than packing, I plan on studying all day. Same goes for tuesday.

"...running through life like a misfit..."

It worries me when I get so worried about my phone breaking. It's like we've been saying all along, it's our lifeline, our source of communication, without it we're just ... lost.

My phone just freaked out and wouldn't let me text or call anyone, and then everything stopped working and the time and date reset to my birthday of 1999. I turned the phone off and restarted it for the fourth time, and it finally started working again. My heart was racing, I was so afraid it was broken.

Anyway, it's working now. I really need a new phone. And I need to be less attached to it.





Today was okay except I ate too much food. I hung out with Jess pretty much all day. I think my calc final went okay but I'm not sure about the stupid mistakes. I hope they take decimal points. I didn't even think about converting. Ugh. So there are like 5 points I know are gone. I hope I don't lose too many more than that. Jess and I looked at google maps for like an hour. There are street views of home so I showed her some stuff, but there weren't any where she lives so she just had to stick with arial views. Then I decided to get a coffee and some pretzels, and now I am all wired and tired and you keep texting me but I don't know what to do about you. Nate came over to drop his stuff off. He's spending the night tonight but I don't know when. Jess and I are gonna go explore the mansion tomorrow. Hopefully.
I wish I could find my 15 dollars.
Oh, and Nate and I hung out for a little while today too! It was fun. We went to the beach-ish area and skipped rocks (I am getting better!) and we went all the way across the shore and walked back up the hill. Then we visited the fish pond before eating a huge snack of sushi (for me) and a sandwich (for him). The sushi sucked. I'm never getting sushi again unless it's real. And egg. I'm so sleepy.

"You electrify my life"

Eeeee


I need to sleep.